Every time, I see his mom tear up and cry it breaks my heart because she misses her son and she has a daughter that doesn’t talk to her unless she (the daughter) needs her to watch the kids, which she’s always willing to do because those are her grand kids. He has seven more years of time to do and with each passing day, he grows stronger, more intelligent, more patient but I know he’s hurting inside. He doesn’t get the chance to watch his niece and nephew grow up, he doesn’t get to take care of his mother like he wants too, his step-dad probably won’t be around when he gets out or at least not for long there after, he doesn’t get to experience life during the “twenty somethings.”

He made a mistake, a horrible one at that. I believe he deserves to do his time, but I feel that he was wrongly sentenced…he’s doing more time than he should have to do. I mean, 13 years for “attempted first degree murder” having never been in trouble with the law before thus having no criminal record, and then to find out that there is another inmate in the same prison who was convicted of the same charge two years prior, is the same age as him, and even was convicted of two other charges and his earliest release date is seven years AFTER being in prison while his is elven? Why did they have to make an example out of him, I just don’t get it.

It hurts me because he’s my best friend, I’ve known him since I was fourteen and he’s the only person in my life who hasn’t come and gone…he’s still there and has always been there for me. It’s hard for me because I haven’t been in Kansas for the past seven years up until August when I moved back for school, thus I haven’t been able to be there for him like I”ve wanted to be. I haven’t done the best job in the time I lived in South Carolina communicating back and forth with him through letters, and I didn’t keep in touch with his mom even though I should have but for me it was easier to deal with it by NOT dealing with it. And now, I’m back and I expect him to be there and he’s not and it’s hard to not get the feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and see if he wants to go to movie or something.

He, honestly, is the best friend I’ve ever had and best friends and people you can truly trust are hard to come by. I am grateful for the friendship we have because it’s something I need, it’s something he needs. I’ve always felt in my heart that he wouldn’t do the entire 13 years, that he’d get out way sooner than that but I know I’m hurting myself by entertaining the thought, but I’ve always strongly felt that way. I hope that happens for his sake, for his mom’s sake, for his niece and nephew’s sake…they need him and he needs them, he made a mistake and he’s learned from it; he’s gone from a 19 year old boy to an intelligent, articulate young man…he’s using his time wisely and I just feel like what he’s been doing the last three years has to account for something, but what can I do? What is there to do? I don’t know, I don’t know where to start.

I’ll continue to visit him every other weekend and as often as I can. I’ll continue to be a support system and be there for him. I’ll continue to be the only friend he has aside from his mom and I’ll continue loving him and caring about him because he needs people in his life that do. Most of all, I’ll continue to pray that someone realizes that he shouldn’t be in there for the next seven years and he’ll do so much better on the outside; don’t get me wrong, I believe he deserves to do his time for the mistake he made, but I don’t believe it should be for as long as he got…

Lately with all the stress I’ve been under and all the emotional things I’ve been dealing with, I’ve been trying to find ways to keep myself occupied and make myself feel better. One of the things I did, with the advice of my mom, is make an appointment at the counseling center on campus; my first appointment isn’t until October 20th (it’s all they had) so I have to hang in there until then. Another of the things, I’ve been checking into is joining a gym and I’m in the process of finding one that is open 24 hours. We have a rec center on campus but because it’s a larger university with many people who go there, you have to wait in line just to use the machines, so I decided I’d find a gym off campus. I’m hoping there is a 24 hour one around here some where that way I can go any time I want and when I get a job, I can go after work if I feel like it. I’ve also been trying to eat healthier and started buying more fruit to eat for snacks and such. Another thing I’ve been looking into is vitamins to add to my routine once I start up the exercise thing; I need to lose weight and become more healthy in general, and I don’t want to resort to taking a diet pill like Fenphedra but I figured that adding vitamins/supplements to my diet would help in general and make me feel better overall.

What it comes down too is that I am depressed and I admit that and I’m taking the correct measures to get out of the “hole” I’m in. I’m not depressed because I’m on my own, have my own apartment, or left South Carolina but mainly because I have no one to be around or hang out with - that’s my biggest problem right now. The good thing about it though is the fact that I’ve been through counseling before and I’ve been through the depression stage before (when my parents got divorced) and I’ve gotten out of it too, so I know I can do this. I’ll be okay in the end

I don’t live in the best of neighborhoods in the nicest apartment complex; in fact, I live in an old apartment complex where drugs are present on a street that cops drive down frequently. The first week I moved in they busted a potential meth lab in an apartment at the end of my building, and ever since then things have been kind of odd with random people hanging around and knocks on the door. In the last two weeks alone, I’ve had THREE people (one guy I recognized that lives in the complex, the other two I have no idea who they were) knock on my door at random times (one during the day, two at night with the latest being 1:30am).

Needless to say, it’s freaked me out each time because there is no need to come knocking on my door especially at 1:30am. I know they are looking for drugs and whoever they are looking for apparently has given them the wrong address, not only that but the person who lived in this apartment before me lived here for 13 years and it was an older lady so I don’t know what the hell is going on with that. The property manager is aware of the situation and keeps an eye out for me and the complex in general because he knows that I’m here for school and by myself; he’s spoken to my mom a few times on the phone. I’m going to talk with him about getting some more secure door hardware for the front door because currently there is only a single dead bolt and it isn’t very secure, in my opinion. I think having an extra lock or two would make me feel a bit safer at night. We’ll see…if things don’t change soon, I’ll start looking for a new apartment.

Anberlin has been one of my favorite bands for quite some time now. The following song is constantly being played on repeat in Itunes. What do you think of it? I love it.\

emotive unstable.
your like an unwinding cable car.
listening for voices,
buts its the choices that make us who we are.
go your own way.
even season have change.
just burn those new leaves over.
so self-absorbed, you’ve seem to ignore,
the prayers that have already come about.

this is the correlation of salvation and love.
(dont drop your arms)
dont drop your arms.
i’ll guard your heart.
with quite words i’ll lead you in.
la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la

backing away from the problem of pain.
you never had a home.
you’ve been misguided.
you’re hiding in shadows for so very long.
don’t you belive that you’ve been decived?
that your no better than…
the hair in your eyes it never disguised
what your really thinking of.

[x2]
this is the correlation of salvation and love.
(dont drop your arms)
dont drop your arms.
i’ll guard your heart.
with quite words i’ll lead you in.

[x2]
you’re so brilliant.
dont soon forget.
your so brilliant.
grace marked your heart.

this is the correlation of salvation and love.
dont drop your arms.
i’ll guard your heart.
with quite words i’ll lead you in and out of the dark.
la la la la la la la la la la la
dont drop your arms.
la la la la la la la la la la la

[x2]
this is the correlation of salvation and love.
(dont drop your arms)
dont drop your arms.
i’ll guard your heart.
with quite words i’ll lead you in.

lyrics from Astraweb

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For the past year, I tried my damnedest to make my relationship with Alan work - everything was amazing up until I went to Michigan in October of 2007 to meet him for the first time and after that things just seemed to go down hill. The way he acted towards me changed, he wasn’t the same sweet guy I had initally started talking too over World of Warcraft. I knew that a long distance relationship would be hard, I had been through one before with a person that I hadn’t met via the internet but actually knew IRL prior to it becoming long distance; but I wanted to try because I liked Alan, I liked the way he made me feel.

I tried my best to be the girlfriend I wanted to be to him, I tried my best being the girlfriend I know I can be to someone. I tried my best to do the “girlfriend” things I wanted to do being so far away…but it was never enough, I never felt like it was enough. I never felt like I went out of my way to do things for him because everything I ever did was something I WANTED to do yet it still wasn’t enough. I never asked for anything - gifts, money, visits - nothing except support and comfort. All I ever wanted from him, from someone, was a shoulder to lean on when things got hard and someone I could go too when I needed comfort and support. I wanted someone to be there for me, someone to make me feel important but in the end, I just didn’t do it right…I wasn’t worthy of the importance.

I sent him an email last night explaining my feelings to him, telling him what I felt like and how I’ve felt for the past few weeks. I wanted to make things better, I wanted things to get better because I was tried of arguing, I was tried of crying, I was tried of feeling the way I felt and yet he couldn’t even take the 5 minutes out of his time to read the email like I asked him too…and all he could say was sorry - no if you were sorry, then you would have read the email, if you cared then you would have read the email. I was TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER and you couldn’t even read the email!! Instead, he got pissed off at me because I needed to get “off his back” and told me to shut the fuck up, and when I tried to tell him that he didn’t need to be rude and disrespectful he hung up the phone and I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this or what I ever did to deserve to be treated like this. All I wanted was for someone to love me, for someone to care about me and be there for me…all I wanted was to feel important and to be important to someone…I just wanted to feel like I had a place in someone’s life. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a bad girlfriend but it just wasn’t enough. I’ve cried so much this past month that I’m surprised my eyes still produce tears. I’ve tried to explain myself, my feelings, everything and he just won’t have it - he pushes me away, he closes me off, he ignores me and makes me feel 10x worse than I already do. I don’t understand what I did, I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!

I love him, I do and all I wanted was to make him happy and I thought I did, he told me I did just like he told me he cared about me and loved me and wanted to be with me and marry me and I believed it…but yet his actions, his words told me the complete opposite yet I kept believing that he felt the way he said he did. I never asked to be lead on, I never asked to be hurt, I never asked for anything except to have someone that loved me and cared about me. I just don’t get it…I just…don’t get it. I have nothing left in me and it hurts because I love him and he won’t even answer the phone. Why me?

It’s not okay…but I’ll stay out of his life, I’ll go. Me being gone won’t effect him anyways, he’ll go about his life like I never existed and he’ll be completely fine; that hurts, but it’s what he wants. He doesn’t want to deal with me, he doesn’t love me or care about me and that hurts..a lot. Because I gave myself to him, I gave my heart to him after so many years of not allowing ANYONE in and he broke it. Now I remember why I didn’t date anyone for three years prior to meeting him because I was tired of being hurt, I was tired of being broken down only for those guys to realize after the fact that they made a mistake. I don’t know what else to do…it won’t be easy because I love him but I don’t make him happy - he doesn’t want me, so what else do I have to give?

Since moving into my apartment - my first ever - and living on my own which means depending on me for everything, I have come to realize that it takes more time and effort to “run” a household than I thought. I, honestly, feel bad about all the times I didn’t help my mom around the house even if it was with simple chores like vacuuming or doing the dishes. I make sure the dishes are done every day and have made a habit of putting them into the dishwasher right away, I also make sure to unload it promptly and not just open it up to get a clean dish out.

I’ve also noticed that I can’t stand for things to be messy…when I lived at home, my space was my bedroom and I was in control of how I kept it; yes, I’m not the most organized or clean person but when I do get to cleaning I make sure everything is put away and nicely organized, now I do that on a regular basis - I seriously don’t know how many times I’ve cleaned the kitchen counters and stove top or how many times I’ve straightened up the living room since I moved in even though the messes are not really big at all.

One of the bigger changes for me, however, is cooking. I never cooked before because I absolutely hated it, it was a chore that I didn’t want to take part in - the preparing, the cooking, the cleaning up afterwards. Ugh. But since moving into my apartment, I actually enjoy cooking a lot more than I thought I would. I’m still trying to figure things out and looking up different recipes to try out (I’ll definitely have to check out some easy green bean recipes), but in general I enjoy cooking for myself. It’s also something that I have more control over now since I do live on my own and I’m solely responsible for the foods I buy and put into my body; I mean, I had control over that before because my mom couldn’t force me to eat something I didn’t want too but if someone else is buying the groceries and they refuse to buy more healthy foods what are you going to do? I try my best to buy healthy foods and I can only see it get better from here on out. I’m really excited with how things are going in this area of my life.

Like my last post says, October is almost here and I didn’t realize that until I looked at my calendar to see what the date was. My dad’s birthday is on October 9th and I haven’t even though about what I want to get him, if anything. It seems that the older we all get the present giving goes away so you’re lucky if you get a card, even! He’s into motorcycles and spends a great deal of his time working on the one he has, so I’ve thought about getting him something Harley related but I’ve also considered getting him some thing he can use around the house, like a set of air tools. When he’s not working on the Harley, he does a lot of home projects although he hasn’t done anything in awhile. Not to mention, a set of air tools would be nice to have because my brother has been asked by quite a few people to do home projects for them while their husband’s are away in Iraq so they could come in handy. We’ll see though…I have what, another week or so before I have to find anything.